I have a problem.
Maybe you share this problem.
It isn’t a severe problem, like terminal illness, mental illness, or homelessness. My needs are met, and for that I am grateful. But what my problem is does affect nearly all aspects of my life.
In transparency, I have several problems but let’s focus on one at a time😉
My trouble is being seen.
Being noticed is one thing.
We notice all manners of things without giving them mind. For instance, as I wrote this by hand my eyes noticed. They physically saw the ink, the pen as the ink took shape, and the squiggles and curves of lines that eventually had meaning. The process is similar, though different, as I type. Yet I don’t give the process unfolding due mind because my mind is otherwise engaged in the thoughts I attempt to convey.
No; it takes a pause for me to see the pieces, and then another pause for the process to be witnessed and understood to convey meaning.
I love a pause, yet that pause is where I struggle; that pause is where we are seen.
My discomfort isn’t due to a misguided and inaccurate self-assessment of my worth. I fully love and embrace who I am. Nor is it (as the wonderful clinician Janine Fischer might suggest) the result of unresolved shame. Still, a petrifying fear is not the culprit (thank you Brené Brown).
Perhaps a bit of fear…
My second problem…
I, as a human being, need to be witnessed.
In fact, we ALL do. Take it from the woman who once worked in end-of-life care, we ALL require witness.
External validation or false flattery isn’t witness.
Witness is that all encompassing, deep-seated realization through connection that we have meaning in what can often seem like a meaningless world.
From what I’ve observed, as we approach the transition from this life to the next we reflect on our lives in one last attempt to know our meaning. Nine chances out of ten that meaning is found through connection with others… specifically their witness of our lives and who we have been to them.
God willing, the opportunities for this review with occur many, MANY times before we reach that final exit and entrance. But therein lies the catch; we have to allow that to be and not hide away (and I’m excellent at hiding).
So I find myself in a conundrum.
I struggle to be seen by hiding and occasionally dismissing myself. At the same time my fulfillment if life is achieved through the witness.
This struggle exists…
in work (I recently pushed off a recording because I was afraid of allowing others to see my light; not to mention that I selected a profession that focuses on the needs of others)
in relationships (“Hello. My name is Queen of Deflection,” unless you’re wise to my ways and can call me on it)
in love (last two relationships, the guys actually hid me from their loved ones for longer than good etiquette and form could reasonably excuse)
Clearly, this IS a problem. This is not okay. Nor is it a way to vivaciously live a full and meaning-filled life!
So…
Here I am, creating this blog. So that through this rather curious experience, I’m showing who I am through the pieces that aren’t noticed at first glance, rather the parts that are realized only in the pause.
