Those three words, two if you’re using the contraction…
“I’m sorry”
That really is the most difficult phrase in the English language, when it’s genuine. And, it’s best if it’s genuine.
Saying those words can be so hard to muster. In so doing we are forced to acknowledge that we – that I- did something wrong
Specifically, that I hurt someone.
Not just anyone, someone whom I love
and it’s usually someone whom I love
To say the phrase is a humbling action.
A lowering and (hopefully) a release of pride, which so frequently becomes the insulation covering our egos…and our fragile hearts
Because that’s where it lives; “I’m sorry” lives in the heart.
Hurting Hearts
When we say “I’m sorry” we feel the pain of our loved one. We recognize that we -not another- were the assailant who dealt the blow. By allowing ourselves this realization, we see that as we handled the blade, it pierced not only our loved one’s heart, but it simultaneously penetrated our own. Inside our very own hearts, the sound of the wound echoes through endless chambers. And there it resonates with all the past inflictions caused by
mistakes
disappointments
sorrow
regrets and shame
and pain.
Whether these old pains are remembered or forgotten our new wound joins them. They form one cacophonous chord that shudders and shakes reminding us of how it felt when we were in our loved one’s shoes.
You see, even though the old wounds have healed, that healing has not returned the heart to its former pristine state, no. Yet, that is what we present to the world, and in some instances, to ourselves. As adults we are quite skilled at presenting ourselves as such, this illusion of who we think we are or who they “should” see us to be; unflawed human beings incapable of making mistakes.
Shaking the Illusion
Thus, the hardest phrase in the English language becomes a threat. “I’m sorry” -when genuine- shakes the windows and walls of that illusion.
The unrealistic mist and mirrors of thoughts such as
“I’m a good person”
or “loving and kind” or
“peaceful”
perhaps “innocent” or maybe
“I’m better than”
or even “I don’t make mistakes”
It’s as if we say that because the foyer of our metaphorical house is painted sky blue, the kitchen can’t be decorated with wallpaper. Or that the kids’ room can’t have an underwater mural while the basement remains unfinished. However, in most homes the rooms are not identical, unless perhaps you’re trying to sell it. Even then, the appraiser- if honest- always reports hidden things, the leaky pipes, the cracks behind the refrigerator, and the creaky floorboards in the upstairs hallway.
No house is perfect.
Neither is any person perfect.
We are all multifaceted, unique, and quite frankly gorgeous because of our mix-matched rooms and decorations. As such, we are allowed to be more than one adjective at a time. Even when we prefer one aspect of our character over others, we can demonstrate more than our quality simultaneously.
Why would we portray otherwise any other way?
Taking Ownership
Own your house.
Acknowledge yourself in all ways including
the ability,
nay, the power to inflict pain on those you love the most
And,
how their pain resonates with your own.
Own your human self. Take courage, and responsibility.
Go on now, say it.
“Loved one,
I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I hope you can forgive me.”
And hopefully, they will.