Not that I require permission in this but…
Could I just say it?
Moving as a single 30-something year old single person during a pandemic sucks!
This is difficult.
I’m unbelievably fortunate. I have a job. I have a place to live, with a roof and walls, running water and heat…not to mention food in the cupboard AND refrigerator. There is nothing in this world I really have a right to gripe about
Still…
This is hard. It’s hard in a different way than what’s familiar to me.
When I lived in Philly I moved…frequently. Approximately every nine months. Why the universe saw fit that my moving transpired at the same rate as the typical human gestation cycle is beyond my comprehension. Nevertheless, it goes almost without saying; I’m experienced in the realm of packing and change of residence. It isn’t new. Yet, this time feels so different.
I’m moving after five and a half years of being in one place…three and a half hours away, to another state, an area where I don’t know anyone. Sure, I have friends within a day trip’s driving time, but it isn’t the same. This is new. It’s “I had to book a moving company” new. Not to mention, “It’s midnight four days before the move and while packed except for daily necessities, I’m at my wits end with the fear” new.
So the fear..
Why the fear?
“The fear” when I say it means anxiety, because when reduced the essence of anxiety is a fear. That fear comes in different varieties just like ice cream comes oh so many delicious flavors at your local grocer’s (Yes, to cope I did eat that pint of talenti’s Double Dark Chocolate with my whisky today, and yes it did help).
What I struggle to swallow and admit…
The biggest novelty is the “I’m doing this completely on my own and single” new. Right before covid I ended a relationship that- simply put -wasn’t right for either of us. As an INFJ, I always need a period of singlehood post-break-up, whether I’m the dumper or the dumpee. It’s a cleaning, or reset. While everyone is different, for me it is essential to reflect on what I could have done better, as well as what I really needed from a long-term partner. Generally, it’s me figuring out my worth, or understanding how I might have slipped away from my integrity in order to be in that relationship…but this time it was more or less listening to Nicole Moore, Ascension Presents, and Mr. Derrick Jaxn to figure out more or less what I need in a loving and committed partner, aka a husband…not to mention thinking more about the male role models in my life like my Pap, my brother Dan, and my Dad.
I have nothing about which to complain. No matter the challenge presented, there is always a silver lining; (though sometimes the mental gymnastics required to realize it could win gold at the Olympics). Be that as it may, I am afraid.
So the fear…
This fear is comparable to the one I experienced as I applied for my tourist visa to India. Of note, I applied for the visa as a single woman and journey as a single woman (yes, I mean solo-travel). In essence, that trip was a pivotal one for me; it truly changed my inner world, my spirituality and subsequently my entire life. When I extend that outward, that trip altered the way I approach every day, every feeling, all interactions and relationships, and my work as a clinician. That fear was caused by an inner knowledge that my life would never be the same.
It was right and it was good.
The fear still has me, and this move remains complicated, tiring, and exhilarating all in the same moment.
Yet, it is right and it is good. And my life will likely never be the same.